Friday, July 4, 2014
Monday, December 30, 2013
We are who we Are!
A few years back when I had just gotten to San Francisco, A young Sir says to me a Pup at the time fresh out of a Leather Family to live in the big city.
"I want you to think about what you want in a Sir and report of back to me. Think about it as long as you need to"
"I want you to think about what you want in a Sir and report of back to me. Think about it as long as you need to"
My response was:
Hmmm what I want in a Sir. Well we could talk optimal circumstances, such as tons of money a spare bedroom and me never having to work again lol but I think that only happens in LA and I would probably die from lack of independence.
In my mind a Sir is someone who is there to support your decisions, weather that's being the first to tell you that you've fucked up or the one to have your back. I need support. It's hard being a 25 year old and I'll take as much friendly guidance as possible.
Secondly, I want play time and sex. I know that's horrible to place on a relationship lol but it was seriously lacking in my last and I wasn't a huge fan of offering sexual freedom while I wasn't getting any.
I love to explore! Weather that's in travel, in mind, in body, .... I function best when my brain is occupied with freshness. So let's keep it fresh.
A Sir to me must be a somewhat good example, I want someone to look up too not someone I feel equal or better than.
A Sir needs fashion! But I feel you've got that covered!
To me a Sir/boy moment is not a relationship but a partnership of souls to help make both persons life's better. Always evolving like an amoeba. Intertwined but independent with a good strong core, a good set of values, and never afraid to change or take shape based on what it encounters.
That's what I want in a Sir, forward, yes. And I'm sure there is a few things that just didn't make it to my mind but that's the lump of it Sir.
Now three years in the future as I look back after even more failed relationships, less and less satisfaction and so much self doubt I've come to realize that thing that everyone tells us but that as a twenty something you never listen to. Yourself!
Its always easier to blame someone else or judge someone else but in the long run I'm learning that your choices are yours and your life no matter how much you'd like to run away from it or change it, is yours. While outside forces may change your life in potential way, you are the one that decides to make that potential energy kinetic.
This past year I've started looking back, looking forward, and looking inside. I think I'm finally ok with just being me. No matter how twisted or fucked up that may have been or will be. The lessons learned are lessons I am so happy to have had wether good or bad, horrible or hilarious. I love to live. don't you?
Where do you come from? who are you? Whats your story? Lets Talk!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Monday, August 20, 2012
Monday, February 22, 2010
Up Against a Titan!
Now that I have been lucky enough to have a gay bashing and wisdom teeth slow me down, I figured I'd get back to the blogging for a bit, until my life gets back to the craziness and I lose track yet again.
Lets Talk LOVE!
I have had some revelations these past few weeks and just have soo many conversation pieces.
Have you ever noticed sometimes you can have the most love surrounding you, right in your face, and yet you still feel so alone because you just aren't looking?
About two weeks ago I come across this guy Jason. Very Charismatic, Adorable to say the least, and while not a show stealer hes got the ..... spirit big enough to tame a wild mustang. While I'm already surrounded by exponential amounts of people who love me, I beg to ask the question.
Is there a such thing as too much Love?
While growing up in Ohio I wasn't overly accepted by my community, I spent much of my High school Career trying to please everyone. I participated in every extra-curricular activity possible; Starred in as many plays, ran as many races, pleased as many elders.... bla bla bla bla bla.
I was also the first ethnically cultured kid to attend my middle school. So I spent my childhood breaching practically all racial and stereotypical barriers. There was never anyone who appreciated just how hard it was to smile even though you have people spewing hate or disbelief all around you. But, I fought on, never looking for a reward, only looking for personal growth.
After High school I joined the Army Reserves, and while you feel jubilant to be able to walk 20 miles at 4 in the morning, you are truly just a number. I would express my passion towards every task at hand and be relieved to be able to triumph over these things no "faggot" should ever be able to do. But ultimately, you are an army of many.
It wasn't until I moved away from that horrible town and got out of the Army that I started to soar. It came as a surprise to me. With my favorite poem being "somebody said that it couldn't be done - By Edgar A. Guest" and the Quote "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. - By Les Brown" and the Song "Bring on the rain - By Jodee Messina"being my ever driving force, I based My life off me making myself happy and not depending on others to do so.
I've Quickly become embarrassed inside, by this community of people that think quite the contrary. They Love me to the point of tears, they teach me new things everyday, they've helped me grow into this free spirited being that I didn't know could share the love he had inside himself. and It's weird!
I dunno how to do this right, I'm 23 Right? I don't understand how I can have such an impact? So, Now I'm in the middle of this firestorm between My feelings and what everyone else is conveying.
I hear "You're Amazing!" "Do what you do!" "Don't Change for the world!". And It becomes hard for me to battle those voices that have been dug in from childhood. What Has made me so fortunate to cross the paths of people so considerate, so magnificent; so early on? When does the confidence I have become Cockiness?
UGH! Questions, Questions, Questions!
Well, until I figure out my answers, which are honestly answers I may never know the truth to.
I think it's my place to spread all of the love I have been given to as many people as possible. You know these aren't really questions any one person can answer either. So, for all of you out there reading this, choose the road less taken, Be amazed in the amazing, love what you do and don't settle for less. and if you cross my path and I'm acting like a severe flare up of ADHD. Know its because I feel loved, Know that I'm enjoying my life, and all I'm doing is doing my best to spread the love.
Lets Talk LOVE!
I have had some revelations these past few weeks and just have soo many conversation pieces.
Have you ever noticed sometimes you can have the most love surrounding you, right in your face, and yet you still feel so alone because you just aren't looking?
About two weeks ago I come across this guy Jason. Very Charismatic, Adorable to say the least, and while not a show stealer hes got the ..... spirit big enough to tame a wild mustang. While I'm already surrounded by exponential amounts of people who love me, I beg to ask the question.
Is there a such thing as too much Love?
While growing up in Ohio I wasn't overly accepted by my community, I spent much of my High school Career trying to please everyone. I participated in every extra-curricular activity possible; Starred in as many plays, ran as many races, pleased as many elders.... bla bla bla bla bla.
I was also the first ethnically cultured kid to attend my middle school. So I spent my childhood breaching practically all racial and stereotypical barriers. There was never anyone who appreciated just how hard it was to smile even though you have people spewing hate or disbelief all around you. But, I fought on, never looking for a reward, only looking for personal growth.
After High school I joined the Army Reserves, and while you feel jubilant to be able to walk 20 miles at 4 in the morning, you are truly just a number. I would express my passion towards every task at hand and be relieved to be able to triumph over these things no "faggot" should ever be able to do. But ultimately, you are an army of many.
It wasn't until I moved away from that horrible town and got out of the Army that I started to soar. It came as a surprise to me. With my favorite poem being "somebody said that it couldn't be done - By Edgar A. Guest" and the Quote "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. - By Les Brown" and the Song "Bring on the rain - By Jodee Messina"being my ever driving force, I based My life off me making myself happy and not depending on others to do so.
I've Quickly become embarrassed inside, by this community of people that think quite the contrary. They Love me to the point of tears, they teach me new things everyday, they've helped me grow into this free spirited being that I didn't know could share the love he had inside himself. and It's weird!
I dunno how to do this right, I'm 23 Right? I don't understand how I can have such an impact? So, Now I'm in the middle of this firestorm between My feelings and what everyone else is conveying.
I hear "You're Amazing!" "Do what you do!" "Don't Change for the world!". And It becomes hard for me to battle those voices that have been dug in from childhood. What Has made me so fortunate to cross the paths of people so considerate, so magnificent; so early on? When does the confidence I have become Cockiness?
UGH! Questions, Questions, Questions!
Well, until I figure out my answers, which are honestly answers I may never know the truth to.
I think it's my place to spread all of the love I have been given to as many people as possible. You know these aren't really questions any one person can answer either. So, for all of you out there reading this, choose the road less taken, Be amazed in the amazing, love what you do and don't settle for less. and if you cross my path and I'm acting like a severe flare up of ADHD. Know its because I feel loved, Know that I'm enjoying my life, and all I'm doing is doing my best to spread the love.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Portland Pride!
Ugh, It's that time of year where all of the gays come out of the woodwork. All to showcase just how much they are out and proud! lol. I don't mean to be condescending but this really is one of my favorite and most hated holidays. It seems as if everyone becomes gay for a day. And Really shoots for that stereotypical Ryan Seacrest kind of gay. "I'm not gay, ssssstop it!"
Now enough blabbering on. This pride is going to be pretty fucking awesome! I have a lot to catch up on in my blog being that it is a week old. My Fiance, Portland, Tony Buff, IML, My First Adult Film, but for now lets live in the present.
Im soooo overly stoked that we have some amazing performances heading to town for this weekend's Gay Pride Pride, BeBe Zahara Benet (also known as CAMEROON!), Lady Bunny, and Aden & Jordan Jaric just to name a few. And you can bet your sweet ass Ill be having a fun time in the sack with some crazy out-of-towner. Unfortunately, due to pride and other circumstances I wasn't able to join Pappa Buff or brudder Derek Da Silva at the Men Of Discipline boot camp. Which really has been a bit rough on me because I know it would be an excellent time to learn as well as connect.
So, during the parade I will be handing out fliers to my club night for HIV Positive men called CHARGED+ and hope to get a good response. My Partner River and I have been hosting this event for 8 months now and it has seriously been such a great endeavour to undertake.
Last San Francisco Gay Pride, We decided to head down to an event called Revolution @ Club Eight. We heard about it word of mouth through some friends here in Portland and were very adamant to attend. So adamant in fact that we paid $300 extra to change the flight. THANKS ALASKA AIR! Lol It was AMAZING! The environment was soooo relaxing! I have never walked into a bar and had five minutes before having to disclose that I have HIV. It's exhausting to have to go through every intimate detail with every unknowledgeable person. And, I love when people play the pity party! lol I have HIV, I'm not dying. WOW, its really hard for me to focus on one subject isnt it! Pollo Del Mar was our delicious drag queen for the night and I was some kind of lucky to win first place and the $100 in a stripper contest. but case in point is it was very inspiring, so we trasported the idea back to Portland.
Hopefully this weekend brings the club night some new faces and good energy.
Now enough blabbering on. This pride is going to be pretty fucking awesome! I have a lot to catch up on in my blog being that it is a week old. My Fiance, Portland, Tony Buff, IML, My First Adult Film, but for now lets live in the present.
Im soooo overly stoked that we have some amazing performances heading to town for this weekend's Gay Pride Pride, BeBe Zahara Benet (also known as CAMEROON!), Lady Bunny, and Aden & Jordan Jaric just to name a few. And you can bet your sweet ass Ill be having a fun time in the sack with some crazy out-of-towner. Unfortunately, due to pride and other circumstances I wasn't able to join Pappa Buff or brudder Derek Da Silva at the Men Of Discipline boot camp. Which really has been a bit rough on me because I know it would be an excellent time to learn as well as connect.
So, during the parade I will be handing out fliers to my club night for HIV Positive men called CHARGED+ and hope to get a good response. My Partner River and I have been hosting this event for 8 months now and it has seriously been such a great endeavour to undertake.
Last San Francisco Gay Pride, We decided to head down to an event called Revolution @ Club Eight. We heard about it word of mouth through some friends here in Portland and were very adamant to attend. So adamant in fact that we paid $300 extra to change the flight. THANKS ALASKA AIR! Lol It was AMAZING! The environment was soooo relaxing! I have never walked into a bar and had five minutes before having to disclose that I have HIV. It's exhausting to have to go through every intimate detail with every unknowledgeable person. And, I love when people play the pity party! lol I have HIV, I'm not dying. WOW, its really hard for me to focus on one subject isnt it! Pollo Del Mar was our delicious drag queen for the night and I was some kind of lucky to win first place and the $100 in a stripper contest. but case in point is it was very inspiring, so we trasported the idea back to Portland.
Hopefully this weekend brings the club night some new faces and good energy.
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